ShuckHuck: New Roll-On to Shoo Huckabee

HeadOn promises—in commercials repeated frequently enough to cause headaches—with a mere swipe across the forehead, to relieve the pain of headaches and migraines. But take care not to confuse it with your mate’s FreedHem, said to work similar magic for hemorrhoids. These new products, promoted for ease of application, have names like Painenz and Activin, and claim to banish pain while PreferOn is designed to minimize scars.

Currently being developed are:

MenNoMore: goodbye to those “time of the month” cramps and blues;

BlahBore: shuts up boring dinner companion;

ForwardFinale: stops gag e-mails;

FrenzyFree: anti-anxiety roll-on;

BanBush: apply to TV and Bush speeches go mute;

EndImp: controls impulsive behavior, including addictions;

FatAway: double duty agent that goes after fat and fatigue;

DenyDel: destroys delusions;

PooDoo: ends need to breed poodles with every other breed of dog.