1. Fluff the blanket after farting.
2. Sniff clothes before putting them on.
3. Scratch nuts in the morning.
4. Sniff fingers discretely after scratching.
5. Take forever to poop.
6. Stare at the table in the morning, unmoving, eyes glazed, for long periods of time. When asked what you’re thinking about, say, “Nothing.”
7. Never remember where your shit is, then ask, “Where’d you put my …” when you can’t find something.
8. Take forever to get ready to go anywhere.
9. Turn departures into a panicked, last-minute rush.
10. When you get undressed, take off your clothes and just drop them on the floor.
11. Participate in belching and farting as hilarious, competitive group sports.
12. Ditto criticizing things or people.
13. Regard ridicule as a sign of affection.
