Diary of a Diet

January 2: Bedtime I took my daily vitamins. I feel wonderful. I even took an extra calcium pill. I think I’ll floss, too. This has been a great diet day!!  

January 3: Breakfast I don’t have time to make eggs, so I age Eggo’s instead. But I skipped the syrup and only ate them with butter.  

January 3: Mid-morning Since I am back to work from Christmas vacation, it will be much easier to not cheat. Everyone at the office has the same resolution, so we will stick together.  

January 3: Mid-afternoon Some of the bitches at work are coming down hard with sugar and/or caffeine detox. If one more person tells me how hungry they are I’m going to punch them in the flabby gut. Their constant complaining just reminds me that I’m hungry, too. Then there’s the already skinny bitch who wants to lose “those hardest 5 pounds – the last ones” who has been seen eating her yogurt. She keeps cheerleading that it isn’t hard if you find “tasty” foods. Snickers IS tasty you anorexic heifer!  

January 3: After Work I stopped by McDonalds and grabbed a Happy Meal on the way home. I still hate that girl at work.  

January 3: Dinner I made a delicious dinner of homemade vegetable soup with a spinach salad. I measured my food and ate the correct portions. Whew! One more good meal down. I’m sure I’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds today!!  

January 4: Breakfast Screw it; just give me coffee and toast.  

January 4: Mid-morning Work sucks. I went to the vending machine (just to look) and ended up spending $5 on crap. I’ll just leave it in my desk. I ate a bag of M&M’s. No one was looking, so those calories are free.  

January 4: Lunch I stabbed the skinny bitch with my salad fork. I don’t want to hear about how cabbage DOES taste good once you stop eating fatty foods. If she’s not careful she’ll be wearing a can of Chrisco home today.  

January 4: Mid-afternoon Got called into the boss’s office for stabbing the skinny bitch. Turns out that is considered “violence in the workplace.” I told my boss I was on a diet and he didn’t seem to care. Then I told him that the tumors on my ovaries have a tendency to make my uterus swell and therefore I have some pain issues that appear to be anger issues. He stopped listening at the word ovaries and told me to just get a doctor’s note.