Dumb Key Chain
I have quite a few single lady friends who cry about never getting laid. They whine about how they are never going to find “the one.” (Put a cork in it, fatty.) Anyway, on my way to my most recent “thirty-nine all-over again” birthday party out in Stockton, I stopped at a gas station and picked up this key chain:
Jackie Kennedy Dress-Up Magnet
Everyone loves a refrigerator magnet. Every American loves Jackie O. Now you can have her half naked on your icebox. You can dress her up in a bathing suit or sleek blue suit with various accessories. I have found this dress-up magnet to be the perfect stocking stuffer for horny dads, politico-know-it-alls, and little girls.
Junk Food
I love, crave, and regret junk food. My philosophy is, if you don’t pay for it, the fat and calories don’t count. A perfect last-minute gift is an old breadbasket lined with a dish towel and filled with these classic gas-station goodies: snowballs, a quarter-pound hot dog, a six-pack of powdered donuts, some peanut praline packs, pepperoni pizza combos, Hershey’s hugs, and a bunch of other heart-attack-waiting-to-happen snacks.
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