In three weeks, I am (god willing) going to be closer to the equator than I have ever been. I am a fair person. No, not fairy princess “fair,” but pale-skinned. Because of this, I thought it would be a good idea to pre-empt being turned into a human pork rind by trying to get a tan beforehand. Not having a suitable setting for laying out in the sun (that being private pool and cabana boy to refresh my margarita) I opted to purchase a one month membership to a tanning salon.
My first visit to the salon was on the same Saturday as university graduation, so it was virtually empty. Perfect. Last thing I wanted was to have to elbow through a throng of melanin obsessed sorostitutes. The girl behind the counter was very nice and not particularly tan herself, so I felt comfortable talking to her. I explained my situation and she prescribed a few sessions in the level four bed (a non-burn bed, whatever that means) to prepare my skin, then the remainder of my sessions in a level one bed at increasing time intervals. I had to purchase the protective eye ware so I wouldn’t fry my retinas and sign a waiver stating that I would wear them every time. I was also talked into buying their special twenty dollar tan lotion that is supposed to help my tan develop. I think it just makes me smell like a pina colada.
After I’m all signed in and my debit card is swiped, the counter girl directs me to room ten where my level four bed awaits. She tells me that I will have five minutes to undress and apply my lotion, then the tanning bed will automatically turn on and I will bake for eight minutes at 100 degrees (no need to turn half way through). The bed looks like a dentist chair from a sci-fi movie, not the lighted coffin that I expected. I undress down to my bra and panties and slather myself with the lotion. I must have taken longer than five minutes because the bed fired up as I was still examining the two little orange cups that I was somehow supposed to balance over my eyes. I quickly lay on the bed and balanced my eye cups over my lids.
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