View ProfileI want to become the wife of a polygamist. After the high-profile raid in Texas cast a disapproving light on the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), everybody’s got a bone to pick with the polygamists. I, on the other hand, am jealous of their rustic and charming lifestyle. I yearn to live au naturale clad in a strapping turquoise dress with a hand-braided up-do. It’s official—I’m going to join the commune and live a life that’s back to the basics.
1. No Need for a Profession
College, grad school, GREs? Not for me. In the FLDS, I can stop working the nine to five and stop worrying about what the heck I’m doing with my life. As a polygamist lady, my destiny will be pre-determined by our lord and savior, Warren Jeffs. I’ll be hitched by the age of thirteen and start popping out babies ASAP. I’ll be so busy waiting in line for my turn to hump my husband and my nipples will be so sore from breast-feeding my litter of children, I’ll have no time for a career. Plus, I’ll be busy honing my quilting and gardening skills. (I tried to crochet a hat once and it looked like a mushroom.)
2. Prairie Fashion Rocks
It’s exhausting trying to look like Nicole Richie everyday. I’m sick of wasting my paychecks at Chico’s and Claire’s. When I move onto the compound, I won’t have to worry about keeping up with the Parises. I’ll sport my puffy-sleeved, full-length, pastel gowns with my poo-brown lace-up shoes every day. I’m going to redefine sexy in my Little House on the Prairie wardrobe. The president of the FLDS says that the color red belongs to Jesus; women are not allowed to wear red. Hallelujah—red makes me look fat.
3. Nightly Orgies
I’m always down for some sexy-time. In the FLDS, I can get it on with multiple people at the same time. I’ve always wanted to participate in an orgy—screw just a three-way, I’ll be having a ninety-nine way. There will be so many unique orifices for me to stimulate and be stimulated in. True, I’ll have to wait my turn, but after a certain age, it will be a good thing. Married people are always bitching about having to beat cheeks with their husbands anyways. After a certain point, I just won’t have to anymore; my husband will trade me in for a younger version. Then, I’ll be able to fulfill my lesbian fantasies with my co-wives.
4. The Ridiculously Hot Body
Have you seen one fat polygamist chick? No, you haven’t—those broads are skinny as hell. They wake up at 3:30 in the morning to husk corn and cull chicken eggs. When I join the polygamist commune, I’ll say sayonara to Weight Watchers and yoga and hola to wheat germ and harvesting. Between running circles around my twenty-seven children and my nightly orgies, there’s no way I’ll be fat anymore. I’ll be a lean-mean grain-grinding machine.
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