Star Truck

My name is Jaime T Quirk, captain of the Star Truck Enterprise. The T is for Tired; tired of driving this truck through space. Our mission is to keep the show on the air for five years so we can pick up the residuals. We are in the Toyota system in orbit around Lexus I, Lexus II, or Rocky XXX, whatever. It is star date 4775564547897659.999.77. That’s just the day. If I go for the month and year we could be here forever. The planet, whatever its name, is a class P type, which means its atmosphere is identical to earth. The rivers are polluted, there is acid rain, many species are extinct, and smog covers most of the cities. Makes you nostalgic for earth doesn’t it? Why am I driving a truck instead of a star ship? Why do you ask? Okay I’ll tell you. We are at war with the Dingdong Empire, and several months ago I was ordered back to Earth. As we approached earth I mistakenly took it for a Dingdong war buzzard (a common mistake). So I fired my photon torpedoes, and wiped out Australia. Nobody liked that; I told them I was sorry, but they took away my starship anyway, and gave me this eighteen-wheeler. Amazing what a few carpenters can do with a truck. I have a thousand officers and one crewman and they all fit.

The bridge is just like the Enterprise with a lot of whistles and beeps, and little red and green lights flashing. I never could figure out what they were for. My first officer, or number one (some think he is a number two), is a Fallopian. You can always tell a Fallopian by his ears. They are shaped like tubes. Mr. Smock, or Smock for short, always has all the answers; he is precise, accurate, and detailed. I can always count on him to get me out of trouble. Of course there were exceptions such as the Australian incident.

Then there is our ship’s doctor, Mr. Coy, affectionately known as Boner. A graduate of the University of Grenada he is well versed in diseases of the eyebrows, and would be invaluable should anybody ever come down with one. Next is our engineer, Mr. Spott, or Spotty. He keeps us running in first gear or overdrive. He is always hanging around the bridge, and I have been meaning to ask him why. Shouldn’t he be in the engine room with the engines?