Putting the "I" in Nice

Compared to my cousin Maya, however, my cutting edge is dull. Her tongue is quicker and more irreverent than mine, yet she is loved universally. At her Quaker-style wedding last month, guest after guest felt moved to speak about how “nice” Maya is.

"Jeez….I can be nice,” I whined to my husband during the reception, “but nobody ever stands up and says so.”

Frantic for confirmation that the definition of “nice” had changed without my knowing it, I did something I almost never do: I initiated a conversation with a stranger.

"How long have you known Maya?” I asked a guest named Stephen. “About 11 years,” he replied. “Yet you described her as nice,” I said. “What’s up with that?” He laughed, so I liked him immediately—something else I rarely do.

Stephen explained that Maya is “thoughtful” and “gives great advice.” Big deal, I thought. I think a lot, and I love telling people what to do. Where are my accolades for being nice?

Despite Stephen’s uninspired analysis of “nice,” I invited him to join me for the wedding dinner. Throughout the meal, he and I fired off inappropriate but hilarious remarks about the other guests. It turns out Stephen isn’t all that nice, either.    

I was uncharacteristically excited about having made a new friend, but it was a short-lived high. During dessert, Maya pulled me aside and whispered, “I just saw Stephen on his way back from the bathroom. He says that next to you, I look like Mary F---ing Poppins.”

Wow. It was my second shock of the day, and this time I was fuming. What qualified me as the bigger misanthrope?

I think I have it figured out. If people would simply keep their mouths shut, I believe I could become quite fond of them. But they insist on talking. To me.

Here’s an example. I was at the dog park when a neighbor bragged, “My nephew has only been at college for two days and he told his parents it already feels like home.” This would be fabulous news if I cared even an iota—or if I hadn’t just told her that my freshman son was having a rough time adjusting to collegiate life.