I believe that if I skip my shower and wear my workout clothes all day long I will in fact burn fat and build muscle. Plus I love giving people the impression that I'm such an exercise fanatic that I don't even have time to bathe.
I believe that if I go into Target with a shopping list consisting of toilet paper, trash bags and tube socks, as long as I keep that list right there in my hand where I can see it at all times, I will succeed at walking out of that store with those three items and nothing more. Then I can gaze with smug condescension at that poor weak-willed woman's shopping cart overflowing with picture frames, cases of paper towels, an auto trash receptacle, a lamp shade or three, a customizable storage system for the garage, two classic film DVDs, a pack of 1,000 cotton swabs, toilet paper, trash bags, tube socks...hey, wait a minute. That's MY cart. I believe that the best time for cleaning the refrigerator, dusting the chandelier, scrubbing the toilets or scouring various household fixtures is right before I have to leave for a dinner party.
I believe that if I turn up the volume on the music, start the vacuum or, worst case scenario, get into the shower, the kids' bickering and name calling will actually cease.
I believe that if I keep my husband's tuxedo and my little black dress freshly dry cleaned and ready at the front of the closet then we will one day receive a last-minute invitation from Tom Hanks and his lovely wife, Rita Wilson, to accompany them to the Academy Awards.
I believe that if I talk to our new puppy as I did to my boys when they were in pre-school—"I need you to listen with your ears and look at me with your eyes" or "It's clean up time"—he'll actually understand and obey my words. (As if my boys did....)
I believe that ordering clothes from the catalogs of J. Jill (or J. Crew or J. Victoria Secret) rather than trying them on in a store will ensure that they look on me exactly as they do on the beautiful but ever-so-slightly enhanced women in the pictures.
