My Three Hundred Pound Story

I sit in the dental chair and begin what I know will be a strangely animated discourse with the dental hygienist. Of course the first thing she mentions is my weight, or lack there of. “My God, you are so skinny. Are you skinnier than before you had your babies,” she emphatically questions. “I bet your husband worships the ground you walk on,” she brays, her gestures as boisterous as her voice. I know she means well, but I cringe at the implication that men worship their wives when they are skinny, as I am a relative rail. I assure her that my husband does worship the ground I walk on but that it has nothing to do with my weight, “I could be a 300-pounder and he would love me just the same,” I say. She remarks to the new dental assistant, whom I have yet to meet or even see for that matter. “He needs to give lessons,” she remarks as her new assistant bustles out and we move on to discuss other things. I have no idea that this is about to become an acute lesson in humility until the new girl comes back into the room and I actually see her for the first time and…yes, she is…

There is a moment of realization that we share, a moment wherein she knows that I am internally reckoning with my offhanded comment, a moment wherein we both understand what a jerk I am. I am mortified for I clearly understand the ramifications of weight in our shared society. After all, the comment, however thoughtless, was an ill placed attempt at de-emphasizing weight only to contribute to the hostile environment surrounding weight. I immediately begin to form an apology in my mind and resolve to say something, to admit my wrong and to take responsibility for the hurt I know I unintentionally inflicted upon her…but I stop myself short. I start to over think it and fear that maybe she did not connect herself to my comment and apologizing for it would only illuminate such a connection. What if she were to say, “Excuse me, are you suggesting I’m 300 pounds!” And then I will have offended her…again…I think.

I never say anything. Instead, I become noticeably sanguine in my appreciation of her dental assistant work; I smile too readily and all too boldly hoping to undue the damage of my words.