I Am Not a Terrorist

There, it’s official. I’ve reached my limit when it comes to US air travel regulations and I’m asking our government to stop biting the hand that feeds it. I am an American, I am a frequent flyer, and like millions of my fellow citizens, I am not a terrorist. And my guess is neither are you.

Coming up on the sixth anniversary of September 11, 2001, we frequent fliers can easily recount the slippery slope into travel turmoil that we find ourselves in. First it was the sharp objects. Then the plastic knives. Next, near bankruptcy for most of the major US carriers, resulting in a lack of food, comfort, and nary an empty seat on most flights. Not long after, off came our shoes through security (unless you’re wearing flat flip-flops, ideal for Floridians, sure, but hardly practical for your average business traveler like me). Now, it’s no liquids in our carry-ons. (My friend Dawn wonders how much longer it will be until they don’t allow people on the planes). Let me ask you, do you really feel any safer for lack of these items in the cabin? Or like me, do you realize what a sham of security these regulations truly are? Had enough yet?

I have, although today of all days, I should count myself lucky. Let me tell you why.

As I write this, the 757 I sit in has reached its cruising altitude from Miami to San Francisco, a flight I almost did not make. Not because I left my house too late (okay, a little), not because it took too long to park my car (it didn’t) and not because I waited to check in at the counter instead of advance checking-in online (I did it online), but because of hair styling products, nail polish remover, and facial skin cleanser. All liquids, and all prohibited in our carry-on bags, which means despite my best efforts to streamline the travel process I was nonetheless required to check my bag upon arrival at the airport. Eye make-up remover, shampoo, and conditioner (along with several other liquid and gel health and beauty aids, see below) are all securely stowed in my suitcase. My suitcase stored above my seat. Yes, you read that correctly. So how, in this age of severely strict security regulations did this happen?

Since forty people have each paid between $1,400 and $1,700 to attend a marketing seminar I’m teaching over the next two days, I suspect a miracle. The more likely reason? You’re no safer in the air than you were five years ago.

Here’s how it went down for me today at Miami International.