Shit! Uncle is at the table. Auntie is smiling and eager to please. Oblivious? My cousins are at the table! They are home. Thank God. I sit next to my cousin that one day was to be adopted by mum. (I will call him Cousin/Brother.) Brother is at the table too. Does he know? Everybody knows. They must. My eyes plead for some kind of recognition or understanding.
I eat like a ravenous waif. It arouses no curiosity. Plans for the day are taking place. I feel as if I‘m being picked for badminton sides. Uncle pipes up first. He wants me to stay with him. Auntie wants to go and buy me some sweet girl clothes downtown with Mum. I want to go with Cousin/Brother and Brother. Other Cousin says he will take me with him to meet his girl at her store. Uncle does not get his way this day. I go shopping with Auntie and Mum.
I am in the store with Auntie and Mum. Auntie has known the owner for decades. He dotes on me. Princess me. I change a hundred times. Mum watches as I change. Can she smell me? Does she see my pain glowing from beneath the silken pantaloons? I do not act as thrilled as she wants me to be. I change. She asks if I am pleased? I almost tell her. I am busting to tell her. I need to tell her. However my memory reminds me of Uncle’s intimidation and the opportunity passes. No luck for me today.
I wake up today to Uncle’s mother. She has come to visit. Besides Uncle and Grammy, all of the adults have departed somewhere. The boys have gone to the lake. I didn’t catch them in time to go. I cannot be here alone with him. He is the only one here besides Grammy. Dear God, please don’t let him come near me. Tears of desperation begin to flow. I weep as silently as possible. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I want to die. I look. It is Grammy. Thanks God. I’ve been spared for now.
