Keeping Up with the Jones's Wedding

There’s an arms race going on, and it’s not about weapons of mass destruction. It’s about having the thickest, most organic, most clever save-the-date cards imaginable. Each one must be heavier than the last; more artistic than the last; more expensive than the last. The most recent one I received was laced with bark and had flowers pressed into the inch-thick, homemade paper.

Not to mention receptions. It’s not good enough to have a tent gently situated to overlook a million-dollar view. The tent must have antique oriental rugs covering the floor. The chairs must be wrapped in delicious satin, and the napkins must match. The lighting coordinator must adorn the reception space with dramatic, elegant fixtures. The light must be soft, warm, and incandescent. It must provide gentle spotlights while offering darker spots for canoodlers.

The “door prizes” cannot be pedestrian. They must be personalized. They must go along with the theme of the venue, but in an ever-so-low-key manner. If you’re in the mountains, the guests’ present might be an Oscars-style gift bag—brands are key—presented in a satchel that has a waterfall scene hand painted by the bride’s mother’s best friend who was an Andy Warhol prodigy. And each guest must have at least one monogrammed item.

The guests—and this should really go without saying—must include a famous person or two. Nobody so famous that it’s tacky, but perhaps someone from the intelligentsia; or a star politician; or an Indie film director who just won her first Cannes Film Festival accolade. Bruce Springsteen would be tacky. Hendrick Hertzberg, a star writer for The New Yorker, would be perfect. Paris Hilton would be tacky. Barack Obama would be a sensation.

I’m glad I got married six years ago, before I’d been to one hundred weddings. If I had to do it now, I’d elope.

I remember my mother calling me: “Kate, you need to figure out what you want to do for the save-the-date card.”

And my response: “What do you mean? I don’t have time for that.”