Before the Scars: My Experience With Cutting and Near-Suicide

Many people who hear about cutting are astonished to hear who is doing it, because many times they are “successful.” They may appear to have everything on the outside. They may be bright, intelligent, happy individuals. The thing is—you never know. Women are great at seeming like everything is okay. The girl who was the queen of our senior prom overdosed on pills 6 months after graduation. In any case, success doesn’t always mean happiness. The CEO of the company, the overwhelmed nurse, the young and pretty teacher, the teenager in the foster home, young or old, rural or urban, black or white—all are just as likely to cut. I really think we are all more alike than not.

I don’t know how, but I survived that awful time. I moved to a bigger city in Kansas, got a new job, and started a new life. I have a fiancé who loves me. I finally found the medication that works for me. I remember the first time I got depressed once I had stabilized on my medication. I went to cut, and the weirdest thing happened—I couldn’t do it. The medication didn’t block the urge, it actually blocked me from doing it. I haven’t done it or even thought about doing it in two years, and it feels great.

I still have scars. They aren’t crazy bad, but I see them every day. This is the first time in my life, in my mid-30s, that I am finally happy and it’s for real. But I know that I could end up in that space tomorrow, and I am very careful. I don’t take anything for granted. I stay on meds even when I think I don’t need them, and I see my therapist consistently. I never thought I would make it out of that black hole, but I did, and there is no way in hell I am going back.

I don’t want anybody to think that only people who are abused cut themselves. Nor is it only people with bipolar. That’s my point. I don’t think I am that different from anybody I know or anybody who might be reading this. We all want love; we all want to feel. We all endure horrible and senseless pain. We all feel like getting through is impossible sometimes. I am no crazier than you are.