My husband and I have not had sex since the birth of our son who is now two years old. Our relationship is compatible, but competitive in some ways. When other men find me attractive, he doesn’t seem to feel any caveman kind of “she’s mine so back off” kind of thing. Instead, he quietly observes and hides whatever reaction he may be feeling. Before we were married and had children, we had an enjoyable sex life.
Six months ago, at the urging of my therapist, I went all out to seduce him, buying lots of lingerie, and really going for it. His response: to hide behind the Wall Street Journal and claim he was “too tired.” I’ve asked him if he is seeing someone else and he claims he would never cheat on me. When pressed, he says that sex between us shouldn’t be such a big deal, and that I should just ease off a bit and he will come around. What is really going on here and what should I do?
A Man’s Perspective
Two years does seem like a long time, however, the trauma of childbirth and its effect on the man is widely misunderstood. He sees the woman that he desires quite literally being “destroyed” with the birth of the new child. The woman heals quickly especially with the excitement of the new child, but the man remains confused and shocked at witnessing such an event and taking second place to the child. His sexuality withdraws to a dormant position whilst the woman wants life to resume normally after six months.
At the risk of contradicting your therapist, my advice would be to take an economic analogy and restrict supply to create demand. Rather than attempting to seduce him and “going for it,” you should behave sexually aloof along with being more non-sexually affectionate. I am rather concerned by the “competitive” nature of your relationship too. Instead of being a libido aggressor, maybe you should try to feminize your approach and let him come to you without any threat.
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