If all of the above fails, then I suggest buying a Deluxe Rabbit and failing that, a ten day holiday in Jamaica should sort you out!
J.H., London, England
A Marital Duty?
In medieval times, people signed contracts that obligated them to “fulfill marital duties” (i.e. sex). These days things are more complicated! It’s great that you are trying to address the problem. Perhaps your husband sees his son as competition—and who could win against an adorable two-year-old, even if he has drool on his face? Start with quality of life issues. Do some fun and relaxing things together regularly, just the two of you. Movies, dinner out once a week, a short beach vacation while your boy is with his grandparents. Make sure you both get decent sleep and keep the munchkin out of your bedroom at night.
Anna M., London, England
Expert View
In her book, Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies and Domestic Bliss, author Esther Perel urges the reader not to hide under the covers while allowing passion in long-term relationships to die a slow death. On the paradox of desire and commitment, she writes, “eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent.” Thus, I salute you and your Wonderbra. I think your spirit has to be celebrated, especially after two years in the proverbial desert. I don’t know many women who would have just “gone for it” with such gusto. I do know a few who might have really gone for it at this point, but in someone else’s bed. Kudos to you for standing by your man.
Sex offers a potential for great pleasure, coupled with a temporary dissolution of boundaries, all while you remain connected to yourself. Life doesn’t offer a lot of opportunities where this is possible, so in turning away from you, your husband is communicating something. The question is—what?
Sylvia Rosenfeld, is a licensed couple and sex therapist in private practice, whose Web page can be accessed at gettingtheloveyouwant.com. Via email correspondence, she offers the educated guess that “going for it” in your lingerie might have been interpreted by your husband as a demand for sex. Given the competitive nature of your relationship, being able to say “not tonight,” may present an opportunity for one-upmanship. For many couples, withholding sex is meant to induce disappointment, convey power, signal who is in control, or convey rejection. Since your husband thinks the problem is best left alone, and you would like to take a more proactive stance, I suggest you begin by reading Michele Wiener-Davis’s book, The Sex Starved Marriage.
