While I could have done without Ms. Wiener-Davis’s parting paragraph, where we learn that since she has finished the book, she plans to call her husband for a little nookie (can we file this under too much information, and just a bit insensitive given that she is writing to counsel couples in sex-starved marriages. . . hello?), the rest of the book is useful. It contains exercises and tips for opening up communication with your spouse on this tricky topic. Quite relevant to your situation, she advises the “low desire” spouse to “just do it,” citing research that for some people, desire gets stirred in the act itself and isn’t a necessary pre-requisite for enjoyable sex.
You should also know that you are not alone with this problem as research shows that 20 percent of couples experience some kind of sexual incompatibility. Former US labor secretary Robert Reich tied dwindling desire to too much work, and joked that modern couples are DINS (dual income, no sex). While you don’t share your working status or that of your spouse, work overload is a widespread problem and many couples claim to be just too tired for sex.
Of course, fatigue can mask other problems. Including but not limited to: being too resentful, too angry, too disconnected, too distrustful, too hurt, too bored, to put-upon, too “not in the mood.” You don’t mention your husband’s mood, or if he is taking antidepressants. A side effect of many antidepressants is decreased sex drive, and last year Americans filled over 200 million prescriptions for them.
At its heart and soul, sex is about connection with another, pure and simple, pure and naked, pure and baring it all. For long-term relationships, a certain degree of trust and relatedness and the ability to “see” the other person with fewer projections, especially negative ones, are necessary for desire to flourish. To say to people that we want them physically surely implies much more. Sexual desire contains an air of danger precisely because it is vulnerability made manifest. Inherent in the sexual quest, in every “I want,” looms the possibility of rejection.
