Divine Guidance: Loverman, Oh Where Can You Be?

With hot topics like repeated sexual rejection in a marriage, it is hard to find the cool down button and access perspective. The fact that you are still wrestling with this as opposed to saying “sayonara sweetheart, I’m going where the getting is good,” speaks volumes about your commitment and persistence. It is important that you recognize and celebrate these strengths in yourself.

Your husband’s torpedoed libido is draining the oomph that powers the state of your union. Sex is a lively thing, a pleasure that holds within it the ability to recharge, refresh, and renew. If it remains unaddressed, this sexual cold war has the potential to blow up your marriage. It is much more than leaving the top off of the toothpaste and the toilet seat up, and this is what your husband needs to understand.

 May Question

My Asian-American mother-in-law complains about having to follow “rules” when she visits. She wants our baby to sleep with her instead of in his crib. She gives him foods that are choking hazards or potential allergens. She insists on holding him in her lap even though he is screaming to get away. She doesn’t let him play with his toys. “No, I want him to look at his grandma!” Her husband, by the way, is a wallflower and workaholic who always backs her up.

Her other son and daughter-in-law have barred her from their house as all attempts at setting boundaries have ended in scenes. Before her last visit, my husband explained that we ask all our guests to follow certain rules. I even went away for a few days, hoping that it would be less stressful for all. Then she “forgot” much of what she promised, especially when I wasn’t around. While I was away, she insisted that my husband sleep next to her in bed (“I’m so lonely”).

We do want our son to have a good relationship with his grandparents, to the extent possible. She’s doing a trans-Atlantic flight in a couple of months to visit us—no mention of hotel this time. We’re aware that she’s getting old and is not good at managing on her own—physically or otherwise.