Where Do I Begin?

My Spiritual Journey

Where do I begin? Do I begin with my childhood innocence, which, incidentally, was stolen from me and I never, ever told anyone about it until now? Do I begin with my adolescence and the masks I wore of this “happy-go-lucky” girl who dreamed of love and romance and pushed it as far away as she could when it came close to that (already I was burying my guilt and shame and didn’t even know it)? Do I begin with my addiction to alcohol and my years of bartending and living life for the fun of it? Do I begin with my addiction to “meth”—not only to the drug, but to selling pounds of it at a time, to the lifestyle, the so-called “easy money”, and the circle of “friends” I acquired (who were mostly people I would have nothing in common with under ordinary circumstances)? Do I begin with my failed relationships, which produced four beautiful children and an eventual CPS case? Do I begin with my inadequacies as a single mother struggling for survival? Or, do I just go ahead and begin with the here and now?

I guess, beings this is all about my “spiritual journey” that I should begin with my new life…I am living this freedom now that a year ago I would have never believed. A year ago, I still didn’t even believe there was anything “wrong” with me. It doesn’t matter how many times I got arrested, or was homeless, or had to lie about myself…There still wasn’t anything wrong with me. I was always a victim of circumstance.

I was also an agnostic, maybe even borderline atheist, because I understood the basics of God and I still chose to go against Him. I didn’t go out and fight about it with anyone, but I still would cringe when anyone talked to me about Him. I had an arrogance about me that wasn’t easily persuaded. I felt I was smart enough to have all of the answers to all of the problems in the world, yet I was also creating a lot of them. How conflicting is that?