Seeking solace in self-destructive habits seemed a good place to go from here. And so I did. Without dragging Pandora’s Box out of the closet (way too heavy), let’s just say I had pushed the brink of what I had found bearable. So, like trying to climb a one thousand-foot stepladder with a wounded soul-body, a heavy heart, and a BIG head, I slowly made my ascent. Now this wasn’t a twelve-step program, just so you don’t get the wrong idea—not that I have anything against these programs (I know they have helped many, many people)—it just wasn’t my bag.
Each step became a moment in time when I let go of my ego, gave myself a pat on the back, and silently whispered a kind word to myself. I also never forgot to say, “Thank you.” On a bad day I would slip a couple of rungs, but it became easier to keep climbing once I had a recent memory of a win. The mixture of strength and vulnerability was the new sensation I was hungry for (better than a bag of Doritos). It became not only an acceptable addiction, but also a healthy one.
I am still climbing this ladder today, and I’m not even sure how high I am. With each step I try not to look back or up ahead; being present leaves me with a feeling of calm that serves me well. I’ve accepted that I may not even reach the top (enlightenment?). Now when I slip back a rung or two (happens all the time), I don’t beat myself up. Replacing gratitude with judgment has made this journey much more pleasant. Life has become different than what I thought it was—creative and fun. My body feels lighter (about 125 pounds these days), my head has become more proportional to the rest of me, and the view is spectacular.
Copywright 2007, Avenstar Enterprises, Inc—Our Inner Source
PREVIOUS PAGE
