As I get closer to forty-five, I’m reflecting on my life—as a career woman, as a woman, as a lover, and a friend. Not to mention, I’m not married and I’m not a mother.
Wow, I think. How do I fit it all into, “This is who I am?” And where do I go from here? I’m not one of those women who put career in front of everything … or did I?
I was married … twice.
And I do want to marry again, but this time it will be different. (We always say that, don’t we?) But this time I know more about life and love. Most of all, I know more about me. This time, marriage would be for love, companionship, intimacy, and loving support. That should have been the case in my previous marriages too, of course. But they were more built on the fact that we were very attracted to each other; we fit, we wanted the same things, we had the same dreams, we had fun, and so on.
When I look back, I wonder what’s different now. I think the biggest difference is that I’m looking for the one who can walk with me on my inner journey—and I will with him on his too, of course. All the rest comes with it, doesn’t it? The same dreams, the attraction, the fun. But I know now we don’t have to be the same in every area to share something very special: our hearts.
I look back and wonder if I ever gave my heart completely to someone else. Or was it just my life that I gave them?
See, life taught me that lesson of hiding my heart and not trusting it to anyone. Especially after two marriages, a couple of lovers that were untrue, heartache from the loss of both of my parents, and the sense of loneliness that comes with being an only child. Life has taught me that it’s dangerous to love.
Love has taught me that it’s hard to live. Together, love and life have taught me that I am alone, disconnected, and that I better watch out. But that is not how I want to live!
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