It is a good idea to enter into any conversation—be it in the workplace, with a partner, with your close friends, or with your children—with a clear idea of what you would like to accomplish. This can be a quite specific and behavioral request or it can be something more general. Knowing in advance the outcome you seek will ground you and help you feel more in control of your life and the direction it’s taking. I hope you will agree that these are all good things for 2008!
Before you begin, remind yourself of what’s shared between you and your partner, or whoever it is you’ll be talking to. All too often we stress the differences between ourselves and others and find that before we even begin to speak, we’re off balance, and thus more primed to fight or flee. If it’s a difficult conversation that you’ll be sharing, it’s especially important to keep in mind your common ground. In The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, authors Martha Davis et. al, outline three simple steps to assertive communication:
- Describe what you are experiencing using “I” statements. “I” statements are non-blaming statements where you take 100 percent responsibility for what is going on inside of you.
- When giving examples of what you think will support your request, make them specific, clear, and about the current event. If your partner is always late, don’t say, “You are always late and it bugs the **&^% out of me” (however much you may want to); instead, try, “last night when you were twenty minutes late for our dinner, I felt hurt and angry.”
- Finally, state what you would like and make this request as specific and behavioral as possible. This takes blame out of the equation and allows the other person to maintain his or her dignity. Instead of saying, “You need to be a punctual person,” try, “in the future, if you are going to be more then ten minutes late, please call me.”
Of course, how you say it is crucial too. Even the best-coached communication may backfire if you’re really angry or upset when you’re speaking. In order to get the best results, i.e., your intended outcome, begin by remembering that another person’s behavior or actions are not PERSONAL to you, however much they may feel like it. If you are going to take 100 percent responsibility, it means you have 100 percent control over how YOU respond to the situation, not how they will. It’s best to let that part go, trying to control another, and stand in your own power.
