I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the time I can remember, the earliest I’m guessing I was five years till I was fourteen. My mother never knew, nor my brothers, except my oldest brother, he walked in one morning. My step dad threatened to kill him if he told anybody. I finally told my mom when I was eighteen, the day before I moved out, my step dad tried to beat me and again try to sexually abuse me, I got out of the home, and it was then I told my mom.
I dealt with feelings of self worthlessness, thoughts of suicide, feelings that it was my fault, to get out of it I thought about running away from home, to support myself at such a young age I thought I wanted to become a prostitute on the street. I’m glad I didn’t. I once had a friend that I told this to as I got older, and she made me realize that this was never my fault, and that I was a beautiful person on the inside as well as outside. When I realized this, most of my hurt and pain went away. I still deal with it, but in a different way. I don’t have the nightmares anymore, just on occasions, I don’t hate myself anymore. It is perfectly natural to be sad.
I’ve never discussed this with anybody before (that’s close to me), with the exception of my one friend, its something that I prefer to keep quiet about. It’s less painful this way. My boyfriend doesn’t even know. I kinda feel bad for not saying anything, but how do u begin to tell someone that. There’s no right time, or no right words to say. I was married twenty-two years and my ex-husband always used this against me. Before we got married, his religion believed you should tell about your whole past. I told him this only because I was naive and didn’t want no secrets from each other. As we got older, he started having mental problems, and started using this against me in ways that you can’t even imagine. Things got worse, we then divorced.
