Can’t You See It?

I’m officially old.

I turned on the TV, a rare occurrence and there was a band playing. I didn’t know them. I never heard them before. There was nothing to signify who they were and the lead singer looked about as old as I was back when I first saw music on TV, the birth of MTV.

But my mom still looks at me like I’m her youngest baby girl.

My niece showed me her brand new shoes and I touched the vegan material remembering my earth unfriendly first pair of patten leather school shoes made of leather that shined like glass and smelled that new shoes smell. How I guarded them like treasure because they were “really mine.” Not hand my downs from sisters or hand me up jeans from my younger brother because he grew faster than me and my mom tried to stretch a dollar on a tight budget.

But I’m still the little girl daddy walked away from.

I can smell the vegetarian dish cooking in the kitchen as I try to live a simpler healthy life and I remember the taste of old stand by dishes served when I was first taught to cook by loving wrinkled grandmothers hands back when people didn’t worry about cholesterol, carbs, trans fats, and eating animals was expected.

But as old as I get I’m a child in spirit with that kind of hope that seems crazy in a world that seems so far from the one I came into, a world that helped to shape me.

There’s a child like sparkle in my eyes when I smile that never ages. Thank you God.