A New Definition of Bliss: Divine Guidance

Dear Lisa,
Are all men hopeless? This is what I am beginning to believe after yet another failed love affair. “Failed” equals years of sex with him (five to be exact, and it was never that great because he had problems sustaining erections), picking up his socks off the floor, and settling into what I thought would be a lifetime of committed bliss only to find out that he is sleeping with my best friend. By far, this is my worst love affair ever, although they all share the common theme of me as doormat. I have had enough. Any help would be great.—Sally

The One Who Got Away
It sounds like you’ve had a narrow escape. I’m quite sure a grown man who can’t find the hamper or get it up for you, but manages to do so for your best friend, is not the guy to commit to. Count your blessings that this one “got away.” I don’t think it’s men that are the problem here; it’s how you are letting yourself be treated by them. You have the chance to choose better next time, so take it.—Gale Ward; Brooklyn, New York

Love Yourself!
I realize that you’re in a tough place. You know that what you’re doing or putting out there with men is not working, but you’re not sure what to do differently. It’s enough sometimes to know that you need to do things differently. Why not try simple behavioral changes to warm you up for the bigger changes? Change your hairstyle, the way you commute to work, what you normally have for dinner. Do something every day that is outside your comfort zone and this will help set the stage for the larger changes you need to make. And honey, love yourself every step of the way!—Maureen Compton; New York City

Expert View
I’ve read your question several times trying to find out how the relationship you described ever offered you the possibility of “committed bliss.” Perhaps in your anger or sadness over how the affair ended, you left out the good and sustaining parts of your relationship, the parts that promised bliss and were blissful, but I doubt it. Being mistreated by men seems to be part of your longstanding dance with them and not a misstep. When your role in relationships is doormat, your bliss must be equated with being stepped upon.