A Full Confession

I sat at my dining table this afternoon, staring outside feeling very defeated and very depressed. My husband was standing at the door in front of me, but, I didn’t want to look at him or hear him. He had been working eighteen to twenty hour days all year, and I looked at him and didn’t really recognize him. A lot of that is in my mind, I feel disconnected, I don’t have the faith or trust that we are gonna be together forever. He does though, but he hasn’t been burnt by me, I have by him a couple times. The last ten years of my life have been, horrible, starting with my dad’s death after a long suffering illness and then the only way was downhill from there.

Everything from bandits attacking us, to heart illnesses, to anxiety and depression, to job loss, to breakups, relationship issues, you name it—I’ve been there. Do you know what it is like to be afraid to swallow you food? I’m over that now, but that is just one of many fears that go through my mind. I thought as I was sitting there, why is god punishing me and all of a sudden it came to me, “I am not punishing you, you are punishing yourself.” See I am overweight, and find food very comforting. The thing is, I wasn’t always this way, but because of stress, food is the only thing that allows me to escape for a little while, when it’s not food, it’s sugar stuff, like tea with lots of sugar.

Let me get to the point, I am procrastinating. This is my confession:

When I was between six and ten, I stole a candy bar from a grocery store.

I lied constantly throughout my whole life especially to get out of trouble.

I started having sex at the age of nineteen, with my first boyfriend, because he said he would leave me if I didn’t have sex with him, and that we were gonna get married anyway, so it didn’t matter, if we did it then or after we got married.

After that, I thought sex is what you had to do to keep a man. So with my second boyfriend we had sex all the time, even though I didn’t want to, I did it to keep him. One time we thought the condom broke and I started that same night to take stuff that I thought would prevent me from getting pregnant, the day after I went to a doctor who prescribed tablets and for the first time in my life, I had an internal exam, and it didn’t feel right. I took the meds and they made me feel sick, and my father was the one to take care of me and I never told him the truth, he just thought I was sick with some bug or something. I feel guilty for lying to my father. I don’t know whether I was pregnant or not. It was the day after the condom broke so … I don’t know if there was a baby or not, I feel very guilty about that. I may have had an abortion and not know it.