Losing What I Never Had

Did you ever have that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach; a bowel-twisting sensation that takes you from heartache to stomach ache? With any luck you’ve never experienced it. My lost crushes have come and gone in a series of achy days.

They come and go in a cloud of emotional confusion; mine, not theirs. He’s the person you just know would be your perfect match, if only he felt the same way about you. And how could he not? I mean you’re smart, attractive, funny, kind, with a bit of a competitive edge…all the things he wants in a woman. Then one day he calls you his friend, smiles and walks away, casually leaving your hope to dissipate into the thin air of disappointment.

Somehow, remaining friends just doesn’t feel right, given your feelings for him. So you pull yourself up from the gutter of love, back to some level of reality and perspective. You shake off the hurt. You delete his number from your cell phone and take deviant pleasure in the process of answering “yes” to the question “delete?” “Yes! Yes!” you declare to your phone, “If I can’t hold him in my arms I want to erase him quickly and painlessly from my life!” And his contact information drifts off into the great digital abyss.

Why do some guys absolutely have to have you, while others who can have you don’t want you? I’d like to believe the theory that “It’s the universe helping make sure you’re available when Mr. Right does come along.”

I start to think of all the times I became aware that a guy really liked me. I could feel it in his body language, hear it in his words and see it in his actions. Still, I called him “friend” all the while knowing he hoped to call me his girlfriend. I wanted to want him and love him the way he was yearning to be with me, but I just couldn’t. I remember struggling to describe to my girlfriends why I couldn’t feel passion for this person who was so passionate about me. But the words never came; the feeling just wasn’t there. It was no fault of his. Over the years there have been a few such men in my life. All of them great guys whom I would certainly be happy to fix up with my girlfriends; they just weren’t my Mr. Right.

I’m sure I unintentionally broke a few hearts along the way.