I offended a young colleague recently who was brimming over with joy at the “love of his life” he had recently met. I did that by saying that what determines the love of your life was the end of your life. He didn’t find that helpful. He was even put out that I would rain on his patch of sunshine.
My point was entirely geared towards the opposite of storm clouds. When so much expectation is put on a relationship before it has any time to grow, doesn’t it buckle under all that weight? He pointed out (correctly) that I was a long standing commitmentphobe and had no business advising him because of that.
I put some thought into that accusation. This reflection, of course, pushed me to publish the following manifesto. After all, marriage is now embraced by less than 50 percent of the population and divorce is happening staggeringly soon after declaring undying love. Since the ever-increasing number of self help books tackle the subject, I think the world might benefit from my version of guidelines for commitmentphobes and others wishing to enjoy more than five minutes of happiness in a relationship. I have adapted some, borrowed others and created a couple of my own. I call it 12 steps because, in honor of that program’s tenet, you only have to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
1. Just for today I will view myself honestly.
2. Just for today I will risk being seen as the flawed human being I am and allow others the same privilege.
3. Just for today I will take responsibility for my own feelings, wants and needs.
4. Just for today I will remember that what I think someone means is not the same as knowing what they mean.
5. Just for today I will remember that if I am in pain it is my own choices and opinions that help create that pain.
6. Just for today I will surrender the victim, savior, or persecutor role. (Review #3&5)
7. Just for today I will be angry without blaming and listen when I anger someone without defending.
