Burying My Heart

Although our feelings were being numbed, stuffed, and buried for so many years with drugs and alcohol, for me, nineteen years later, clean and sober. I could still be in touch with those feelings like it was yesterday. The feelings I had for you were stuffed for so long and were so deep, that I didn’t realize some of them still even existed, until it finally hit me; you weren’t going to be here anymore. I keep asking, why were you taken, of all people? With those thoughts being too much for me to handle, it just broke my heart, bringing on an overwhelming grief, which made me feel like I was mentally and physically ill.

With all the good times we use to have, you were so cute and precious to me, and as far as I was concerned, you did not wrong. You were just a doll in my eyes when I met and got to know you. It always seemed as though your youth and innocence, made me want to protect you from anybody and anything that would hurt you in anyway. For me to be the one to hurt you, instead, made me feel guilt, ashamed, and so devastated. With nature now trying to takes its course, you were so angry with me, as if that wasn’t enough; in so many ways, you made me pay for it too.

So I said, “what’s the use?” After you treated me this way and feeling the hurt, along with the guilt, I knew there wasn’t any explanation that would have been good enough. Leaving us with no other choice but to ignore each other, stuff the feelings, take some more drugs, and move on. Only to set us up to deal with it later, and now being later, I deal with it by myself. Now off of drugs and without you, taking it for granted, you would always be here and for me not to at least be able to say, “I’M SORRY” for what I did to you. Made my heart ache, with the pain taking over my thoughts, panicking trying to think, we’d never ever straightened these things out once and for all. Now with all this and the thought for you to leave her forever, is making it twice as hard for me to let you go.