Why Can’t I Be Sensitive?

By: Miguel O'Hara ( Little_person View Profile)

I am a frequent reader of this site, and I really appreciate a lot of the ideas it brings forward. However, I’d like to touch on a topic that in my opinion affects a lot of men on a daily basis.

Sensitivity.

More to the point, sensitive men are not what women want. Ever. It seems on the surface that it’s a good idea; I’ve heard it discussed amongst my female friends all the time, but I rarely encounter a woman who actually is interested in a man with feelings. Women seem to be drawn to men who are the classic stereotypical heterosexual male, a “man’s man” for lack of a better term. The instances where women seem to appreciate a man who is sincerely in touch with his feelings seems to be over coffee while they list all the problems with their current emotionally inept boyfriend.

I was raised by a single mother, and she raised me to have principles; to treat people with respect, and to never hide your emotions. She believed as I do that bottling up feelings and emotions can be a dangerous thing. To sit and hold on to something as powerful as emotions is damaging to your spirit, and it will create great tension within yourself.

I find that women (and I hate to generalize) in general seem to tie sensitivity or a man being in touch with his emotions, to be somehow linked to mental instability, or even homosexuality. I don’t understand where that parallel comes from. There is this “push” placed on men to be more in touch with their emotions; to be more able to identify with what they are feeling. Yet when that occurs or is achieved, the result is a strange awkwardness develops and I feel as though I’ve done something wrong by being honest.

I think that if I chose to hide how I felt, or was feeling that there would be no issues, at all, other than the fact that I’m burying my feelings in order to fit a narrow stereotype that is supposedly not desired. It’s a confusing message that is sent, I hear, “I want a sensitive man,” but I see something completely different.

Can someone explain how this works?

First published April 2008

6 readers liked this story.

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Miguel O'Hara, Canada

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Comments

Miguel, you are correct that many women say they want a communicative, sensitive & caring man. However, the fact is when women choose a man (they are definitely in the drivers seat here) they are locked into an age-old, instinctual set of behaviors, especially when younger & don't really understand what may be best for them. Those behavioral patterns are inborn & include choosing a "strong" man, physically, sexually & emotionally because it is a way for women to mate with a strong gene pool to proliferate the species. Women's body clocks, chemistry and emotional levels (more than men have) make this behavior almost pre-ordained. As a woman ages & engages in new relationships her M.O. & needs change hopefully allowing different kinds of men as potential lovers & mates. Still, it is also worth noting that many women, whether enlightened or not about this issue, have a penchant for making men walk an emotional tightrope in this arena. Strong or weak? Balance is best if it can be achieved.

Im with Shyla. I would rather be myself and find someone who appreciates that (which I did), than pretend to be someone I am not. But in all reality, there ARE women out there who appreciate a sensitive man, and there are women out there who see a sensitive man as weak and will take advantage of that. Some women want a strong, dominant man in their life, some want more of a "partner" in their life. Dont give up until you find the women who appreciates you for who you are. Anything else is a prescription for misery.

As you age, you go through stages ... a metamorphosis of emotions, of beliefs, of actions. In my teens, I was socially awkward and sensitive. In my 20's, I progressed into what women considered a bad boy, due mainly to the work that I was involved in at the time (adventurer, warrior, equalizer, civilian advisor). In my 30's, women thought I distant artistic soul, torn by my experiences and losses, which I transformed into culinary creations and writings on life and beliefs in social equality for war torn lands of Central America, and helping anyone in need. In my 40's, I became peaceful and serene with my life, accepting the fate that I had been dealt. But, the fact of the matter is, everything that I've done in life is because I was sensitive to needs of people, my employees and family, and to societies' woes. You can't control the general perceptions of people that you meet. Stick to your guns...what you believe in and do what you consider is right, and to hell with the rest.

I was disheartened to read your story Miguel. My boyfriend is a kind and sensitive guy and I love it and him; I would not have it any other way. My advice is keep searching, you just have to find a girl who is secure enough to value a find like you.

Yes, be honest, like yourself, and take care of your own emotions..that's all good. Women crave the bad boys (I know I did), that is until they try to relate to them beyond the bedroom and the needless mind f**king. Then a smart woman (worthy of your time, heart, and ear bending) will (and should) take the time to learn about her (possibly unhealthy) pattern and come out on the other end deserving a nice(r) guy. I think it's important to acknowledge that many women who are very feminine are always going to seek out masculine men, this is how we seek out polarization to form balanced relationships (read the books, Intimate Communion and Way of the Superior Man by David Deida). At least this is what I have found to be true. I agree with Joe, I can now tell the difference between sensitive and insecure a lot better than I used to...but it took a major heartbreak to discover that. Ah, live and love...what would we do without them.

I know how you feel man. I'm in the same boat. It may seem like there are no women that appreciate us but there are and in the end it will be worth waiting to find her. I think a lot of women end up with guys that are meatheads but then realize the good guys ARE the ones that they could confide in and share their feelings with. You just have to find one who already has that figured out. And I do think there's a difference between being sensitive and being insecure. If you're sensitive AND confident about yourself then it will show and eventually someone will notice. I know that's my hardest problem is staying positive because it's hard not to think, man all the assholes get the women. It's just confidence and going for what you want. Hang in there, it's good to know I'm not alone. ~Joe from Boston

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