Everything I Know About Dating I Learned from Sex and the City

Much of my dating wisdom I’ve learned from watching the disappointments endured by Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Char. It would be a stretch to say that I have lived vicariously through these four characters, since many of the episodes appear to have been culled from my own life experiences: I have cared deeply for the Aidan, lusted after the Big, rebounded with the Burger, and killed time with a number of suspiciously homosexual men in between.

So, with the movie release just around the corner, who better to write the The SATC Bible—a highlight reel, if you will—of all the lessons that coulda, shoulda, woulda spared me a lot of time, energy, and anguish.

• Men are like shoes. Don’t settle for anything less than a perfect fit.

• If only one third of your dates are bad, you’re ahead of the game.

• There are better places to meet your next fling than in a trendy nightclub or your psychologist’s waiting room.

• Romance will inevitably give way to reality. There will come a time when you accidentally toot in front of him. Laugh it off.

• Every unmarried woman needs a gay male friend to decode the meaning of “I’ll call you later.” And a wallet full of credit cards in the event “later” turns out to be “never.”

• Nothing good ever comes from sleeping with your ex.

• Nothing but evil and destruction comes from sleeping with a married ex.

• If trying on a wedding dress gives you hives, it’s not the frock—it’s the fiancée.

• Good sex does not necessitate sprains. Or crabs.

• Be sensitive to international time differences when drunk dialing your boyfriend overseas.

• If he picks fistfights with strangers for no reason, immediately write his character out of future episodes.

• Wait until you are certain he’s left the building and you’ve seen him drive away from the premises before you begin rifling for incriminating belongings in his apartment.

• If he cheats with you, he will inevitably cheat on you.

• It’s possible to own $10,000 worth of designer footwear and still have closet space for more, but don’t bother explaining—he’ll never understand.

To be continued …