Dear 4-Way,
I am a heterosexual female in my late twenties. I haven’t dated a man seriously in about a year and I don’t have any prospects on the horizon. Lately I find myself fantasizing about women, not so much about dates with women but sex with women. I’m still attracted to men and as far as long-term companionship goes, I know I want to be with a man, not a woman. Do you think this means I’m gay? Bi? Or maybe I’m just curious and bored? Also, I’m wondering if I should I act on this fantasy. I’ve had some pretty racy fantasies about men before but I never acted on those, so me acting on this now during my dating drought seems irresponsible somehow. Please advise.—LL in Miami, Florida
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
LL, the idea of black and white versus gray seems to be a theme this month. Sexuality is a continuum, baby. What rocked your world at thirteen is not usually what gets you going at twenty-five. I had a huge crush on Fonzie from the TV show Happy Days at thirteen. Not so much anymore.
Fantasies are like dreams—what exactly they mean is open to interpretation. Some are meant to be followed, while others remain alive only in your mind. One of the many options you have before you now is to simply enjoy your girl fantasies. (Though part of me wonders how you can be so sure that you are not interested in women.) Another thought is to check out the lesbian and bi scene in your area. Don’t worry, only the really hard-core lesbians ask for commitment on the first date and bring their U-haul to the second date.
Don’t fear your fantasy life. And if you feel drawn to act on it, I hope you don’t let your preconceived ideas hold you back. As the good ole Kinsey scale research indicates, very few of us are 100 percent straight or gay. Most fall somewhere in the land of luscious grays. Whether your next fantasy or actual date is with a woman or a man, I hope it’s “grayalicious.”
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
I have to admit this initially read like a Penthouse forum question. (Ahem, er, so I’ve been told.)
Going against the natural heterosexual male urge to ask you to go into specific detail about said fantasies, while speaking slowly and acknowledging what everyone is wearing, I will get real … and so should YOU.
Fantasies are fantasies. I give much more weight to actions and since you’ve never acted on them with either sex, there’s not much to evaluate. I think “gay” and even “bi” seem unlikely. “Curious and bored” along with your self-proclaimed heterosexuality seem more on point. More important than the labeling, though, is the answer to what action you should take, if any.
I have no problem with you exploring something as long as you’re honest with yourself and anyone you “experiment” with.
As you know, you’re not obliged to act on your fantasies and most often the best part of fantasies is that you don’t have any real-life consequences interfering with them. Movies, Web sites, and magazines—like say … Penthouse—make lots of money off selling and stimulating fantasy. (Or, er, so I’ve been told.)
Curiosity killed the cat and if you’re bored, then you’re boring. (Or so I’ve also been told.) For most of us, curiosities and fantasies are essentially everlasting but boredom shouldn’t ever last long.
More important than getting busy with men or women, is getting busy with you. No more boredom. Enrich and live your life. Unlike cats, you only get one.
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
If I had a dollar for every amazing, kind, smart, hot, funny, single woman I know, I would not be writing this column.
