The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
AT, do you remember that feeling you had when you were sixteen? When you felt that you were, like, TOTALLY grown up and could make totally smart decisions because, like, you were sixteen—duh! Like, omigod, that’s almost eighteen. Of course I can make decisions! Remember? Okay, now fast forward to thirty-five (or however old you are): isn’t that you, all grown-up and refined, sipping a delicious Gigondas, and laughing at the (naïve) perspective you thought you had all those years ago?
Yeah, so this is kind of like that. And I say that respectfully since I’ve been exactly where you are (also in the state of California)—waiting for a divorce to be final and just wanting to move on with my life already. I wanted to date pre-divorce and I did. But looking back, I’m not sure those dates were such a good idea. I thought I was ready, but what a silly, silly rabbit I was, Trix. The truth of the matter is that it took a while to understand what went wrong in my marriage and what my role in that was … and I only figured that out after time (lots of it).
Also, think hard about why you feel the need to jump back into a relationship so quickly. Maybe it’s time you had a little QT AT time so you can get some perspective and distance on your old relationship and get reacquainted with the real AT—AT the single woman who no longer has a marriage as part of her definition. Take a class; strengthen your existing friendships; volunteer. You’ll probably reacquaint yourself with some long-forgotten favorite activities that you stopped doing, but can’t remember why exactly you stopped doing them in the first place. Focus on you without the influence of someone else so that you can actually remember why you’re a great catch.
I say no dating for a while—but don’t put a time limit on yourself. You’ll know when you’re ready. Unfortunately that means no hanky-panky for a while too. (Get yourself a vibrator, sweetie. You’re gonna need a good one.)
