Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months now. We have a great sex life but he wants more: he wants me to try anal sex with him. The problem is that I don’t want to. I’ve never done this and I’ve never wanted to. We’re very adventurous otherwise—we’ve had sex in public places, we’ve tried toys, we’ve watched porn together. But I just can’t get into the whole anal thing. He thinks I’m being selfish. What do you guys think?—EA, Seattle, Washington
The straight girl’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
Selfish? You’re giving it up in public bathrooms, for God’s sake! Maybe your boyfriend needs to get familiar with a dictionary because it sounds like you’re (understandably) more apprehensive than selfish.
The good news is, you’re comfortable enough to talk about it, so you’re good communicators in addition to good fornicators. Well done.
I’ve gotta say though, I’m with you on this one, EA—I’m not an ass girl. But maybe if we talk through this together, we can figure out what it is that’s making you nervous.
First of all, ask yourself what it is about this that you’re resisting. If you’ve never tried it, how do you know you don’t like it? There are two pages of anal toys on Good Vibes—clearly there are lots of people who do like it, so maybe anal play has its merits.
I did a mini survey of my female friends to get some more insight and learn what they feared in the world of anal sex. Here’s what I found: the feeling of putting something in there makes them feel like something might accidentally come out … you pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down, EA? Is that your fear? Because I get it; most people don’t want to associate sex with solids. But, here’s the good news: during this same mini-survey, a couple of women told me they weren’t into anal sex, but that stimulation of “the area” during foreplay and sex was a huge turn-on—provided there was no penetration. Maybe there’s a happy medium for you and your boyfriend after all. Why not try a little stimulation first—just test the waters, maybe dip a toe in. (That’s a bad analogy—I recommend keeping the toes out of the ass in the beginner phase.). If you like it, graduate to actual penetration, and if you like that, who knows what’s next? A round of butt plugs for everyone! But EA, only try it if you decide you want to. Make sure he knows you are the one in control of this situation. (From the sound of your sex life, it sounds as if you’ve played that game before.)
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