Recovering from First Date Sex: The 4-Way

Dear 4-Way,

I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. On the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work?—BG, Chicago, Illinois

The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Is there a chance that the two of you can work? In your past relationships, could you tell if things were “going to work” after one date? Whether you’ve slept with the guy or not, it’s too soon to tell where it will go from here.

It seems to me that you’re feeling remorse or guilt about jumping into bed with this guy on date one. What I’ve learned from Chris, our wonderful resident 4-Way straight guy, is that sex is all that some guys “come” for and he should now be looking for a new conquest. I think that you two working out depends on several things: 1) The personality and actions of the guy. If he’s a jerk, he’ll be ready to move on, and then you don’t really want him anyway; 2) The quality of the connection over time; 3) You getting over your first-date sex guilt; 4) The phase of the moon (fate).

So is there a chance this can work? Sure. Is there a chance that I will date men?

Sure, but it’s not likely because it’s not what I want. My point here is that if you want to continue to get to know this guy, you have to change some of your thinking. There are people who have slept together on a first date who have stayed together. You and this guy could fall into this category, regardless of your past history or what people may tell you. If you want to continue, make it clear to him that you’re interested in seeing him more and in sharing more than physical intimacy and you have a fighting chance.

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Comments

As a guy, I'd say you're off to a great start, but who knows after that? I'd say you have better than 50/50chance, but you never know for sure do you? Keep us posted!

I slept with a guy on the first date. I had never done it before, it was very out of character for me. We're married now. So in my case it worked! And really, ours wasn't a date - it was the night we met, through a friend. We had already set up our first date and I knew there was something special there before we slept together. However - I definitely had my fears that he'd never call!

Would you have had sex with him if you didn't want a relationship with him? The ideas of 'sex' and 'relationship' seem to be intertwined, and that's where it may be causing unnecessary stress. Sex happens when it feels right, relationships happen when they feel right - it's not as if the two can't coincide, it's that they don't have to. :) So... sounds like you had a good night. If you guys still have chemistry now that it's over, maybe you'll have more good nights like it! Perhaps, without expecting too much or feeling too obliged, he's the one you should be having this conversation with? :)

Lora Freeman, that's exactly what I was thinking as I read this article. I've slept with two guys on the first date - the first guy and I had a relationship that lasted over three years and the second guy is the one I'm still with over a year later. As long as you're safe, the "rule" that you should never sleep with a guy on the first date is out-dated and illogical. I've always figured that if the guy is decent and he's really into you, he won't care what you did or didn't do on the first date. Hey, he was there in the sack with you too, wasn't he? It takes two to tango - any guy who would judge you based on some ridiculous double standard isn't worth a second date anyway, you didn't "lose" him, he lost you. That said, I suppose there's never any harm in waiting, but if you're a consenting adult and you know what you're getting into, go for it.

I feel so different on most of these comments that have been sent as far as sex on the first date. I feel a lot of guys are just out looking to satisfy their needs but not really into how us women take it so much deeper inside. We take a lot more to heart than just somebody to have sex with. I feel that God needs to have control in that issue and I don't believe in sex before marriage but will say I have made the mistake myself and given in and 8 times out of 10 they don't work out. But you never know and nobody does except for the man upstairs. I wouldn't give up but will say there is nothing left as a surprise or suspicion anymore because he's seen all of you. Now it's a matter of Communication and sharing each other's feelings, needs and building a strong friendship together first. If you can't be friends first then you more than likely won't go anywhere later. I don't recommend making a habit of first date sex. First of all how much do you really know about that person?

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