Intimacy and Orgasms: The 4-Way

Dear Dr. Brown,

I am forty-one years old and have never had an orgasm with a man or myself. I do not know how to relax or feel comfortable. The relationships I’ve had have not had any intimacy or closeness at all. I know I cannot blame the relationships, but I need to know how to bring myself to orgasm. So far, I’ve had no success. I really need some advice.—CM, San Francisco, CA

The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

We don’t remind people of this too often, but none of us in the 4-Way is a doctor or a professional therapist—we’re just regular people doling out advice based on our own experiences.

That said, my take on intimacy is that it’s closely related to acceptance. This means accepting people for who they are, warts and all, so that you can get closer to them. And “people” includes yourself, CM. At the risk of sounding too Dr. Phil-ish, you have to learn to love yourself first before you can have a truly intimate relationship with someone else.

I would recommend delving into acceptance on two levels. First, start with yourself. Do some things that will help you feel good about yourself. As cheesy as this sounds, keep a journal of all the good things you like about yourself. If you’re having a hard time coming up with good things, just write down everything nice—personal and professional—that people say to you, friends and strangers alike. With enough feedback, you’ll start to feel comfortable writing down the things you like about yourself. “Hey, I DO have a really nice smile,” or “That WAS really nice of me to help her with the kids.”

Second, work on developing and/or strengthening your relationships with non-romantic, “safe” people: girlfriends, family members, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Invite someone to have lunch with you, or write family members or friends a letter telling them what you admire about them. These sound like simple enough things, but I think you need to focus on communication with people that’s above every day chit chat; start small, and make sure you’re a tiny bit outside your comfort zone. That’s why you’re practicing this with safe people.