Dear 4-Way,
My fiancée and I recently broke up two months before we were supposed to get married because of my drug problem. I’m a recovering heroin addict and after a few events that happened last year, I decided to pick up and get high again. This is the second time this has happened since we’ve been together, but I’ve now taken steps to change my ways. I just don’t know if she’ll ever be able to trust me again. The thing is, when she asked me if I was high, I lied to her and said I wasn’t. We really love each other very much, but I just don’t know where to go from here. What should I do?—J, San Francisco, California
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
The first thing you point out is that you recently broke up, but then you go on to say you have now taken steps to change your ways. I’m left to wonder how recently and how lasting your changes may be. Chances are that your ex-fiancée is scared that it will happen again. She’s protecting herself from being set up for heartache, and you have to admit, you can see her point if you’re admitting that you lied to her. Once trust has been broken it is a very difficult thing to regain, my friend.
I ask you to put yourself in her shoes. This woman is making what she feels like is the biggest decision of her life and she needs to be sure it’s with someone she can at least trust. She needs to be sure she knows you as well as possible, and also weigh the sacrifices she will or will not be willing to make to be with you. When she’s considering marriage with you, she’s not just considering a cake and a dance—this is for life. She’s not only thinking about what kind of partner you will be to her, but also what kind of role model you will be to your kids. It’s the whole package. Think about what you have to offer right now and then think about what she needs from you. Only after you reach that conclusion will you take steps toward regaining her trust.
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