Smack and Marriage Don’t Mix: The 4-Way

By: The 4-Way Panel (View Profile)

You also need her help and support, so she is an important part in your recovery. Should you be honest and involve her in your struggle, she’ll be more willing to forgive your weakness and help you get stronger.

Your word probably doesn’t mean much these days, and it shouldn’t. It’s all about your actions now. All you have to offer her is your contrition and renewed, unparalleled dedication to changing your ways.

She has the choice to stick with you or not. If she loves you like you say, and you love her like you say, and she believes you’ll be honest with her from here on out … you’ve got a shot.

A shot to get sober.

A shot to have the love of your life to grow old with.

A shot to be a relatively happy guy.

The kind of shot you don’t get from a needle.

The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

I think it’s a good step in the right direction that you can admit that you have a problem. But before I attempt to answer your question, I want to shed some light on what your ex-fiancée is probably feeling right now.

Her tight group of friends and/or family are telling her right how incredibly fricking lucky she is to have dodged a massive bullet: marriage to a drug addict. They have painted a painfully vivid picture of what her life could have been like—an unhappy marriage with a partner she can’t trust who randomly decides he wants to get high every once in a while, which would probably affect his ability to hold down a job, creating financial problems for her. That probably led to a discussion of the kids you might’ve had, and how she’d probably be almost 100 percent responsible for their care, worrying every minute about whether or not your lying ass was out getting high and what that would mean for her family.

Or she could be completely in the dark. The way your question is worded, it sounds like you just called off the wedding and dumped her without telling her why, which would be equally as devastating.

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posted: 05.20.2008
KT
Thank you for this article. I found it so refreshing to read the various perspectives on this issue as I also broke up with my fiance due to his substance abuse problem. He lied and hid from me too much for me to forgive & forget. When his family (thankfully) intervened it opened my eyes to the fact that this was a substantial problem that needed to be addressed. Since I called off the wedding, he has been seeing a counselor which I acknowledge is a positive first step step. When he talks to me about it, he says he can't wait to show me that he can get better and show me he can be moderate, which to me indicates that he is still in denial. I finally can appreciate the sentiment that once you find internal happiness, it will resonate with the people around you. So clean yourself up first and then focus on what's next.
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