Dear 4-Way,
I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH, Dallas, TX
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Congratulations on finding and co-creating a solid and loving relationship. It takes two, my dear, to make it work, so give yourself credit here too.
I’m not sure how in-depth your conversation was when you were discussing children, but here are some questions I hope you covered. Are you sure this is a firm 100 percent NO on his part? Did he say that having children is a deal breaker for him? Have you told him that having children is a big part of your heart? Does he get how essential this is for you? Is he open to adoption or foster children? What goals and dreams does he have? Do they fall in line with your own visions for yourself and your partner?
You say that you would be devastated to lose him. Would feelings that are equally intense come up for you if you made the choice to not have/raise children? Which one of these scenarios creates a bigger ache in your gut?
I’m glad you feel on solid and loving ground with him, but how long will you be on solid and loving ground with yourself if you don’t fulfill your strong desire to have a family? And you certainly can’t do that with a guy who is not supportive or involved in that dream.
