Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I have had an open relationship for a little over two years. We are free to have safe, physically intimate relationships with other people, but have always said that our emotional relationship would be exclusive. This worked for both of us for a while because we love the fun of the first kiss, the first touch, etc, which you can’t get when you only have one partner.
But my feelings about our relationship have changed. I feel jealous now when he’s with other women. I know that I need to talk to him about it, but I’m afraid—this arrangement is what he wants (and what I used to want) and it’s why our relationship has lasted as long as it has. I don’t want to lose him. Lately I’ve been thinking that since I’ve sucked it up for this long, I can keep doing it if it means keeping him. What do you guys think?—SN, Tacoma, Washington
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
Open relationships intrigue me, because I know I would never be capable of having one. Why, you ask? Because I’m that woman; if you sleep with me, I want your penis all to myself. I’m not a sharer. I’m the only one who gets to admire it, touch it, rub it, ride it, make a puppet for it, or do anything else with it. The end.
But my possessiveness has scientific grounding. When you have an orgasm (and also, interestingly enough, when you have a baby), your body is flooded with oxytocin, a hormone which according to one source “induces feelings of love and altruism, warmth, calm, bonding, tenderness, and togetherness.” Oxytocin has been called “the cuddle hormone.” It helps you bond with someone. (Clearly this isn’t always the case since there are plenty of people who still pull the old love ’em and leave ’em routine.) One study also suggest that higher levels of oxytocin are associated with the reciprocation of trust. And I suspect that this is where the heart of your problem lies.
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