Closing an Open Relationship: The 4-Way

By: The 4-Way Panel (View Profile)

You mention that the only reason your relationship has lasted is because of this shared idea about open relationships. If that’s all you have holding you together, you guys are done. It’s time for you to notice what other common ground you do share. What does your emotional relationship look like? How do you know that connection is there?

What concerns me most is that you would be willing to “suck it up” and not share your true desires with him just so you can stay together. Would you want him to do that with you? That’s not the sign of a healthy, glowing relationship.

Don’t suck it up, spit it out. Tell the man how you feel. But first, be aware of why you want this relationship to continue. What else is there holding you two together? If it’s only your open door policy, then shut the door, open a window, and make a new start.

Read Part One of the April 4-Way.

Read the March column.

Check out the 4-Way podcasts.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To make sure you never miss a 4-Way column again, just click on the author’s name at the top of the story, then select “Be notified when writer publishes” at the top of the page. We’ll send you an email as soon as a new column is published.

10 readers liked this story.
bookmarks
Comments
posted: 04.18.2008
Nelly Meg
This topic is near and dear to me. I have lived it for more than 30 years. When my husband and I married in 1977, we vowed honesty but not sexual fidelity. Our marriage was to remain the top priority. The arrangement worked fairly well,although better for him, than me and I ultimately asked that we be exclusive. He reluctantly agreed. A few years later he entered into a sexual/emotional relationship without my knowing and that was that. We have been separated for the past 8 years. He left his new relationship after 2 years. I re-entered the dating world with little success. We have decided to try to share a house in the near future because neither of us have found a sustaining relationship and we enjoy each other's company. We are not recommitting to a marriage relationship. Both of us are uncertain about how this will work out ,but nevertheless feel it is worth a try. I am calling it my "grand adventure". I know it will be an adventure but I don't know how grand.
posted: 04.18.2008
Gordon Freeman
I agree with the above comment - it's an unrealistic hollywood-esque expectation to assume that one person can be all things to another - and if they can't, then somehow suffering without having your needs met is in the furtherance of a noble goal. While I understand and respect the tenets and concepts of monogamy, it's silly in this day and age to apply such a narrow-minded viewpoint across virtually all creeds, orientations, and genders. Suffering is NOT noble - but it's an awesome way to build up resentment that can poison the well of any relationship. And given the answers arguing that she should try to get her needs met (up to and including ending the relationship), it's unfortunate that this view doesn't fully encompass the boyfriend's needs and requirements. I call shennanigans!
posted: 04.18.2008
Mike Caprio
There's no arguing that open relationships aren't for everyone. But it's extremely self-righteous to assume that one type of interpersonal relationship is "the right one" no matter how many biological or psychological excuses you try to trot out. You may as well be saying: "Well, experimenting with the same sex is okay for a while, but really, heterosexual sex in the missionary position is the only right way to be having sex and eventually everyone understands that" or even: "Well, the nuclear family of one man and one woman is really the only way to have a stable household. Everyone knows that having multiple step-parents and baby daddies and set-siblings is just a recipe for disaster, and I don't understand why people want to put themselves in that situation." Decrying open relationships is just plain old bigotry and fear.
It feels good to write.

Your stories, musings, and advice are welcome here. We know you've got something to share, so jump in—maybe get a little famous. And don't worry—you can save a draft!

most liked
Loader_buff
Other topics you might appreciate
Relationships Body & Soul Style