Aries
When taking a road trip this month, consider this warning from the stars: at some point on the trip, you’ll probably have a hair-trigger, aggressively vicious temper tantrum. Calm your inner blaze, my Aries. Check your fury at the car door, or place it in a lockbox in the trunk and put the key in your pocket for easy access at rest stops. Be aware of inevitable music selection tension—“I’m All Out of Love” could be the cause of physical violence. Let it go.
Taurus
On a business flight this month, you’ll sit next to an ST: a Smelly Talker. Breath like rotten onions—a thick, humid stench emanating from a mouth that won’t shut up. Primal instincts will tell you to punch the person in the face and prop his or her head up with a pillow so it looks like they’re sleeping. Don’t do that—it’s too risky (although it would it provide hours of clean air, peace, and quiet).
A safer bet would be pulling a Psycho—try foaming at the mouth, mumbling nonsensicals, or diabolically laughing at nothing in particular—your ST will move, or better yet, be to afraid to move, let alone speak again. Either way, you win.
Gemini
Your logical, informed mind is an asset this month: political debates on a weekend getaway will be a one-sided route with you on the winning end. But beware of straying far from your normally kindhearted nature with excessive taunts, chides, and thoroughly detailed insults about opponents’ underdeveloped facial features and deep-rooted mental decencies. Also, stop staging political debates against seven year-old boys.
Cancer
You’re not a horrible person if you tell your overly enthusiastic cousin you don’t feel like visiting this year. Be true to your intrapersonal honesty dynamic without letting your natural sensitivity get the best of you. Stand strong on your initial assessment of the situation: your cousin is annoying and you’d rather bathe with rats than visit her for longer than ten minutes.
Leo
Embrace your creativity this month and go on an artistic retreat! Ditch your cubicle cage and seek out some much needed solace in the woods. Maybe it’s a friend’s summer home or an organized retreat for aspiring artists. Whatever it may be, let nature’s sublime beauty whisk you and your new friends away to your own personal fantasy land: a house in the woods fully stocked with liquor and hard drugs.
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