Virgo
It’s time to go on your annual whirlwind, cross country trip with the girls where you’ll hit the hottest clubs in Miami, New York, and LA. This time around, try something new: raise your usually low standards. You’ll be presented with lots of options—some good, some bad, some homeless, and some addicted to crack. Please, choose wisely through the steady haze of vodka and peach schnapps. Like the fairy tale goes, what seems like a prince on the outside can really be a middle-aged man with hair plugs, a spray-on tan, and a propensity to claim he’s Robert Goulet … on the outside.
Libra
You’ve known for some time that your grace and refinement is unmatched on this earth. With that being said, avoid vocalizing this internal knowledge to the locals during your annual summer beach holiday. Like you, they also have had their own self-realization: mugging uppity out-of-towners is fun.
Scorpio
For you, it will be a month of leisure and reflection. On a serene Fiji beach, you’ll meet an obese, hairy-backed, Speedo-wearing man who calls himself “Satchmo.” He’s friendly and kind, but, in general, pretty physically revolting. Your sympathetic heart will humor him for an hour, but then soon grow weary of his constant, often harebrained, chatter. Finally, you’ll take your leave—yet, he’ll sit there, in a kind of trance, continuing to mumble about past accomplishments and his favorite place to buy hairpieces.
To make a long story short, you’ll meet Jerry Lewis on a trip to Fiji this month.
Sagittarius
At last, you’ll accept an annual invitation to go sky-diving from a group of your old thrill-seeking college friends. When you get up in the plane high in the sky and it’s finally time to jump, anxiety will creep into your thoughts: God, it’s a mile down. A mile. Vertically. This is nuts. Can I really do this? What if I die? Who will take care of my kids? What if my parachute doesn’t open?
You turn to the skydiving instructor and begin to mouth, “I can’t do this.” And that’s when you realize that it’s no time for asking questions and whining and regret. It’s time for action. So, you shit yourself and fake a dramatic faint back into the plane.
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