Beware the Smelly Talker: The Visiting Visionary, July

Capricorn

Your frigid ways could get you into trouble this month. On a family vacation in Mexico, your partner will, for the first time in two years, try to grab your breast. If you smile, grab his or her breast and make love wherever you are, you’ll resurrect your downtrodden partnership and live happily ever after. If you push his or her hand away and walk away, you’ll wake up the next morning with no partner and $1,205 billed to your room. Later, you’ll examine the bill more closely and see that all the money was spent evenly into two categories: beer and soft-porn movies.

Aquarius

The stars hint that your natural modesty will serve you well this month. At your yearly out-of-town family reunion, redirecting polite praise from your annoying relatives will serve you well. An example: “You look wonderful, Alice.” “Not as wonderful as your trophy wife, Uncle Kenneth.”

Pisces

Thanks to an unfortunate late-developing terrestrial formation, you can expect your week-long trip to Cancun with your best, newly-dumped, and slightly crazy friend to have a few snags. Well, maybe just one. See, you prepared and remembered to pack everything. Your down-in-the-dumps friend didn’t—she was too busy crying and ripping up old couple pictures. And so only upon landing on the sunny shores of Mexico will she realize that her lone, very important bottle of Zoloft is not in her purse, but is instead standing idly on her nightstand back in the States.

Prepare for more mood swings than warm ocean breezes and, on Karaoke night, more screechy, teary-eyed renditions of “All By Myself” than beach vendors offering two for one Montezuma’s Revenge T-Shirts.

Ben Simmons is a San Francisco-based writer who coincidentally also works for DivineCaroline. Ben has been gifted in divining the future since he was a wee lad; he knows now, for example, that he will be having a super burrito with steak in just a few hours.

The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.