Scorpio
Why fight it Scorpio? You belong in a cage. You’re too sneaky and downright venomous to be allowed to crawl freely around the gym. You just need to be true to who you are. A little ultimate no-holds-barred fighting is just the thing. Remember though, there’s no eye gouging, hair pulling, or biting allowed, so try to work those exercises into your warmup to work them out of your system. Otherwise, get in the cage, menacing creature of the dark, and get your heartbeat going with a little human cockfighting. You can be as violent and vicious as you like, just don’t use bad language.
Sagittarius
Drop whatever you’re barely doing right now, Sagittarius, and take to the fields. That’s right, saddle up your Shetland ass and pony-up to the nearest peak. You’ve been feeling a little closed in of late, haven’t you? A little domesticated—spooked even? Well, you’re no beast of burden, my Sagittarian friend, you’re a big, strong, smart animal, and it’s high time you reminded yourself. Find a wide open space and let your mane down. Whip off your blinders and spit out that steel bit—The Man uses these instruments of bondage to reign you in. Run free, filly! A few lengths and you’ll be back to your wild self, hunting with the hounds and hoofing around in your fancy dressage in no time.
Capricorn
You’ve been climbing the corporate ladder all year and climbing into bed too early to make fun with the billy goats. Can’t you see that all work and no play makes you dull, Capricorn? You need to get back in touch with your horny self and fast, or you’ll end up a miserable old goat. Kick start your frisky fitness levels with a pole dancing class. Hit the beach on Tuesday mornings when the lifeguards train, and guzzle lots of Joe (it makes rats randy apparently). I see an orgy of activity in your fall future, lamp chop, so start spreading your attentions across the herd now.
Aquarius
You have one rule, Aquarius: if it feels good, do it. You’re not a great team player—you hog the glory and you’re not so solid solo either because you’re easily distracted. You’re ruled by Uranus, and most the time you’re talking through it too. I see that you’re sick of talking the talk Aquarius, and being teased for not walking the walk, but now it’s time to step up.
