Gemini
I see skidmarks, Gemini. You’re ruled by Mercury—the God of head-messing—and this summer you’ve been bungeeing from one celebrity fit-fad to another. You can’t decide if you want to break a sweat drag-racing à la Lindsay or by lifting “major” weights (gigantic sunglasses on twig frame) à la Posh. Take a tip from Paris and keep those arms “hot” by slowly raising the Chihuahua pooch in your right hand to your lips and then lower the pampered pup to your jagged hip bone. To work on your abs, look no farther than Colin Farrell. He keeps his tummy in top BLEEPIN’ shape by bellying up to the bar for at least forty-five minutes a day, supplementing his workout with Guinness before, between, and after workouts.
Cancer
Those drills aren’t going to get any easier if you keep bitching about being too weak, Cancer. Whining about a headache or really bad stomach cramps might be more effective, though I’m not sure anyone’s even listening anymore. Come summer’s end, your ruling moon will really give you something to whine about, so you shut up and shape up now, while there’s still time. You’ll need serious balls to take on that spooky moon, so grab some big orange ones and practice, practice, practice. You may make a bit of a mess, but your weak hand will definitely improve. If you can dribble and shoot the ball well with both hands, you’ll have more options to make the man in the moon putty in your hands.
Jacinta O’Halloran is a New York City-based writer who sees things. She can smell rain coming; she sees a black spot on your tongue if you’re lying to her, and she knows you’re pregnant before you do. She’s an Aquarian, with her head firmly rooted in the clouds … so she can keep a close eye on the stars for you.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.
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