Life’s Report Card: The Visiting Visionary

To commemorate back-to-school days, this month’s Visiting Visionary, Chris Kennedy, shares September’s predictions as foretold by the faculty of Pinecrest Elementary School.

Virgo

Mrs. Crabtree, 1st grade teacher

You listen up. It’s about time you acted like a grown-up. You’re not in Kindergarten anymore. I’d expect this kind of behavior from a five-year-old, but not someone your age. Do your homework. Keep your mouth shut and do as you’re told. Do that and you and I won’t have any problems, mister/missy. What’s that? I can’t hear you? Mrs. Crabtree doesn’t hear anyone who doesn’t raise their hand.

While cleaning out your desk, you will find a note from yourself in the future. Ignore it. Your brain power is draining in imperceptible degrees as we speak, and you will be a near idiot in the future. Be in the moment … because the next ones are going to suck.

Libra

Ms. Richardson, Library aide

I’ll be reading various playful, yet non-discriminatory books to you this year. I can’t wait. You’re all so special, Mother Nature sends you flowers every spring. I guess that’s why I consider you my “buds.”

While trying to figure out the Dewey Decimal System, you will be overwhelmed by a feeling of frustration and sexual ecstasy. Use these to your favor and ask out that librarian with her hair in a bun. Dating a librarian has many perks; he or she will whisper sweet nothings into your ear on a daily basis and give you free books!

Scorpio

Miss Simpson, Speech teacher

I’ll be pulling you out of class periodically to give you the special attention you deserve. We’ll have our little party once a week during the second half of fourth period. Remember to practice your S’s. Don’t get lazy with that tongue.

Working on your diction and annunciation will get you many of the things you desire. Namely, your work at the drive-through will be met with surprising approval from fast food customers. Enjoy it!

Sagittarius

Mr. Smalls, PE teacher

(Whistle blows.) Everybody in! Welcome to gym class, boys and girls. I expect you to be dressed and ready for physical activity every day. No excuses! Am I clear? Good. Okay, today, I want one lap around the gym. You wanna make it two? No cheating. Uphold the Pinecrest Honor Code. Now move your little butts! Go! (Whistle blows.)