As someone who makes a living coercing people into what to buy, I’ve decided that your personal horoscope should reflect what Halloween outfit best fits your sign. Of course, I’ve kept a modern spin on these costumes to reflect the modern times, which means that if you’ve been paying attention to what some women have been wearing on Halloween these past few years, you should know exactly what to expect. As a heterosexual male, I look forward to this day each year with my eyes wide open.
Please lower your standards accordingly.
Libra
The world is yours for the taking, although you shouldn’t rest on your laurels. Your costume should reflect a character who is in charge and not afraid to make decisions. Try dressing as a cop this Halloween. The sluttiest cop on the beat.
Scorpio
Can you be trusted? That’s what everyone says about you behind your back. But that’s okay. You dig how everyone always has their eye on your every move. So your costume should be devilish. I recommend that you dress as Satan’s helper. The one that’s a dominatrix.
Sagittarius
Everyone speaks glowingly about your very generous heart. In fact, you consider all your possessions to be communal. And because of this, friends and strangers want to share in your warmth. Snag the pilgrim costume, but make sure you’ve got a humongous rack.
Capricorn
Maybe it’s time for you to break the mold. Zig when everyone else zags. Take the path less taken. Your costume should be an exercise in dichotomies. I suggest that you go as a very conservatively dressed prostitute who enjoys layering during the winter quarter.
Aquarius
You love being the center of attention. In fact, if there’s a camera around, you’ll find it, and try to make it yours. Of course, you think everyone is jealous of you. Your costume should reflect that narcissism. Go for the Paris Hilton costume. No alterations needed.
Pisces
You are able to see other people for who they are and what they’re going through, and your heart reaches out to them. Of course, that might lead to others not taking you seriously. Your costume should make light of that. I suggest you dress as a homeless person. In stilettos. And fish nets. With a tight ass.
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