Aries
You are at your best when everything is in order. In your worldview, there’s not a single thing that doesn’t have its place. Your costume should reflect someone who needs everything just so. I recommend that you dress as a sexy librarian who likes it in the pooper.
Taurus
Emotions are high, and it takes someone with a steady temperament to see things through. When choosing your costume, understand that you shouldn’t allow the situation at the party to dictate your mood. I think a nurse costume would be an excellent fit for you. But really whore it up.
Gemini
You tend to have amazing insights into the world. In fact, some might say that you are otherworldly. Because of this, you are eyed suspiciously, as if you are not one in the group. So, when choosing your costume, plan on being someone who is the center of attention. Go for the alien-prostitute costume.
Cancer
Nobody can get a good read on you. That’s because there’s no rhyme or reason to your next move. Your costume should be as unpredictable as the person who wears it. That’s why I recommend that you dress as a Persian longhair cat. Hooker. A Persian longhair cat hooker.
Leo
Grrr. You are the most determined animal in your jungle. Nothing can stand in your way from getting what you want. Your costume should therefore strike fear into whoever sees you in it. So, for Halloween, you should be a very, very naughty Jehovah’s Witness. And show some skin.
Virgo
You live a simple life. You are not very impressed with technology, or any sort of modern advances. In fact, you’re determined not to spend much on your costume this year. That’s okay. I suggest that you dress as a nun who finds pleasure in the night.
Steven Tornello is a senior writer at the San Francisco office of AKQA, one of the most decorated and acclaimed digital advertising agencies in the world. Many of his campaigns have been honored by experts in his field, no matter how retarded that might sound. His blog, steveohville.blogspot.com, may or may not ring up somewhere between fifteen to thirty-five hits each day.
