Debbie Does December: The Visiting Visionary

Pisces.

Galileo spent the last years of his life under house arrest for speaking the truth when others weren’t ready to hear it. You are often misunderstood, but you have some “the world is round and not flat” kind of secret that threatens many people. You will face an Inquisition of your own and may doubt yourself. Don’t. You are right and it will all come out in the wash. Dig your heels in and brace yourself for a long struggle. Stare down anyone in your path and look forward to your glorious vindication.

Aries.

You are reckless, prone to injury from fire and sharp objects, and just plain passionate—that makes you a real liability during the holidays. With some matches, alcohol, and a few days off, you could really turn your family’s Christmas into a smoking pile of embers. Try to cool down this Christmas—drink some tea, bake some cookies, sing some carols. We see your naughty side 364 days a year; give us one day of nice. Oh and you better go ahead and buy that home pregnancy kit. Thinking that you might have probably almost definitely maybe used a condom with “that guy” from the bar on Christmas night doesn’t really count as birth control.

Taurus.

Get your shopping done early to avoid desperate and bloody attempts to get the last copy of Halo 3. Buy your lover whatever he/she wants, no matter what the cost. Be the bull grazing in the pasture—not trampling through the china shop. People count on you to be stable and serene and that is what everyone needs during the holidays. Give others what they want and you will be sure to get your heart’s desire on Christmas morning.

Gemini.

Winston Churchill was talking about Russia when he said this, but it pertains to Geminis as well—you are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. People have no idea how to please you, much less what to get you for Christmas, unless freedom and change are now available at Macy’s. (They aren’t.) Be more transparent this holiday season—burp loudly at dinner, express your gratitude for your family by getting drunk and strumming Christmas songs on your out-of-tune guitar. Call up your long lost true love in the middle of the night, whimpering. Just get it out, Gemini—enquiring minds want to know.